The official site of the sleep-deprived

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Gates of Delirium

So, at 3:27 this morning I did the math and figured I’d just spent the past 5 hours kicking, flailing, yanking, flopping onto my back, my side, my other side, flinging sweaty, wadded up sheets onto the floor, up, down, swearing, moaning, sighing, grunting, and even occasionally falling into exhausted sleep. A few minutes later I’d wake up and start again.

On a better night, it might sound like the starring role in an amateur video. But tonight’s performance is straight out of Dante’s Seventh Level of Hell - also known as Melatonin Deprivation.

I groped around on the nightstand for a half of a sleeping pill and knocked my water bottle and the clock radio onto the floor. NPR’s late night at the opera blasted my husband out of bed and straight into Level 4, Martians Have Landed, Red Alert. Now he’s a great guy – patient, kind, attentive, understanding, cool under pressure, a terrific listener, loves cats …. But it seems he’d been awakened once too often during the night and was NOT his usual laid back, empathetic self. Once he realized what had happened he stood there scowling at me – his beloved – like he was contemplating a career move to serial ax murderer.

And then – it was at that exact moment that I had this flash of satori – sudden enlightenment. And because you and I are walking this seventh level highway to hell together, I’m going to share what I learned. Are you ready?

There is a fundamental solution that will solve every one of your middle-aged life challenges. It will make you absurdly happy, fabulously rich, over-the-top good-looking, smart, creative, the epitome of perfect health & fitness, with a brand new wardrobe to boot. You see, grasshopper, it’s not that complicated. All you need is:


That’s it! Like most epiphanies, the remedy was staggeringly simple. During that brief moment of satori I was convinced there was nothing in life that a good night’s sleep couldn’t fix – and a king-sized, top-of-the-line, cost-be-damned mattress was just the ticket.

With all that sleep, we’d be so on it and tuned into our manifesting selves we might even win the lottery. Within 60 seconds of this revelation we were giving notice and moving into our new 45-foot RV (with our new wardrobes, work out equipment and 6 cats). Woohoo!

And with that resolved, I promptly fell asleep – right as the alarm went off.

At breakfast my husband enthusiastically embraced the idea, and even expounded a bit.

“Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone on the planet had a new mattress? If the entire world was well rested and feeling the love – there would be no more fighting, no more wars! People would naturally make the choice to get along and have meaningful dialogue with each other.” What can I say? He’s an Aquarian.

So – that was it. Our life had turned a corner; things would never be the same. Thanks to our soon-to-be new mattress, we saw a future filled with freedom, money, time, spontaneity, travel, and Mensa membership. Life was good. We did happy dances and couldn’t wait to go shopping. But as it turned out, satori would take us only so far.

Right to the doorstep of Billy Bob’s Beds to be exact.

to be continued …..

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